There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
