Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
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I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
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