I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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