I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
