I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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