believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
