Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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