Umm I'm too high to move.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
