Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
