R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Randomize
