I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize