Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
