and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
