I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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