I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
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