hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
