That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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