The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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