just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
