I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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