I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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