In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
