if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week