Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
