is your mom at the bar?
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Just cropdusted the office
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
