I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
