I want to stick my p in your. b.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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