3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
