How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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