and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
