I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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