Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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