I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
