What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
