We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
