I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
