This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
