Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
