i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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