i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
My balls are so social today.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
