Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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