I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
