Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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