I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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