apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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