He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
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you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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