Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
