grandma shit on top of the toilet
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
