I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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