I want to walk on stilts...naked
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
