I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
