You were right. It hurts to walk today.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Randomize
