the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Randomize
