he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
