i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
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